{"id":293,"date":"2016-09-04T13:11:27","date_gmt":"2016-09-04T13:11:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nakedrecoveryonline.com\/?p=293"},"modified":"2024-08-29T23:20:04","modified_gmt":"2024-08-30T03:20:04","slug":"tale-of-two-singletons-part-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/blog\/tale-of-two-singletons-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Tale of two singletons – Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"

Part One \u2013 You Don\u2019t Know What\u2019s Good For You<\/strong><\/p>\n

We all have that amazing friend who\u2019s perpetually single, and we just can\u2019t work out why. You know the type: she\u2019s smart, brilliant, beautiful and tons of fun. She dips her toes in the dating pool \u2013 perhaps she\u2019s even the type who always seems to have the next date lined up. And yet, nothing seems to stick.<\/p>\n

This wouldn\u2019t be a problem if this was 100% her choice and she was actually very happy with the situation. But the trouble is, you\u2019re painfully aware that she would really like to be in a serious relationship. Worse, the longer this goes on, the more she worries that there\u2019s something fundamentally wrong with her. Something lacking. Or unlovable.<\/p>\n

Sound familiar?<\/h3>\n

Perhaps you have a best friend like this. Or a sister. Or perhaps that perennial singleton is you.<\/p>\n

So why on earth is this happening? What\u2019s the great mystery?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to get to that. But first, I\u2019d like to tell you a story.<\/p>\n

Case study<\/h3>\n

Anna is a very good friend of mine. On paper, she\u2019s top girlfriend material: she\u2019s gorgeous, she\u2019s funny, she\u2019s warm and generous, she has a degree from a top university and a fantastic job that she excels at and which pays her very well indeed.<\/p>\n

Everyone loves spending time with Anna. Ask her what she\u2019s up to next week and you\u2019ll get a packed itinerary of post-work drinks, theatre and cinema trips, weekend minibreaks, and, of course, dates. Anna\u2019s a Tinder fiend. And she has no shortage of admirers.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the thing: Anna hasn\u2019t been in a serious relationship since university. And even then, it wasn\u2019t a relationship that she, or anyone she knew, could really picture ending in forever-after. Despite everything she has to offer, despite all the attention she gets, despite the fact that I know for a fact she wants to do the whole marriage-and-kids thing in the foreseeable future, she never seems to meet anyone right for her.<\/p>\n

\u2026Or so she says.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like watching a car crash in slow motion<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Because here\u2019s the other thing. I\u2019ve been out with Anna when guys start hitting on her. I\u2019ve watched her scroll through potential matches on dating apps and sites. And often, it\u2019s like watching a car crash in slow motion.<\/p>\n

Looking for the wrong qualities<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Because the things that Anna truly values \u2013 the things that she\u2019d logically need to look for to have the kind of relationship she wants \u2013 are precisely the things she\u2019s most dismissive about when she comes across them in real life.<\/p>\n

And (Shock! Horror!) the traits that caused her the most pain in the men she\u2019s dated before are precisely the things she finds most attractive.<\/p>\n

Anna used to joke about this. She knew that the men she was attracted to were totally unsuitable. That they were arrogant. That they didn\u2019t challenge her intellectually. That they exuded unreliability and would let her down.<\/p>\n

So when she decided it was time to start looking for something more serious, she made a concerted effort to pick differently.<\/p>\n

She recognised that feckless party boys with minimal ambition are probably not a great prospect the future. But instead of identifying the core personality traits that make these men so wrong for her, she superficially changed track. Now, for example, she\u2019ll actively seek out someone with a decent job and academic record \u2013 who, on paper, looks like the polar opposite of her usual type.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t work.\u00a0Why?\u00a0Because these men are not any different.<\/p>\n

No difference<\/h3>\n

Inevitably, these guys are simply the same arrogant, insensitive personalities, transplanted into a more respectable context. They might have made it out of their parents\u2019 basement, but they\u2019re essentially showy, self-involved types with over-inflated egos \u2013 they just have a bit more cash in the bank.<\/p>\n

And, of course, they treat her just the same.<\/p>\n

And these days, this scares her.<\/p>\n

Because when Anna used to date guys she never expected to want to stay with forever, it was easier to shrug off the situation when things when wrong. Sure, she got hurt a few times, but deep down she was never really surprised.<\/p>\n

But now that Anna is actively looking for something long-term, she\u2019s horrified that this is still happening. She doesn\u2019t know how to find someone who doesn\u2019t behave like this.<\/p>\n

Her responses to these traits have become so ingrained that she\u2019s instinctively attracted to the kind of men who end up hurting her \u2013 even when she thinks she\u2019s doing the opposite.<\/p>\n

What Anna needs to do now is stage an intervention with her own instincts.<\/p>\n

You control who you fall in love with<\/h3>\n

Many of us assume that sexual attraction is some great mystery that you have no control over. You can\u2019t help who you fall in love with, etc. etc. That\u2019s just not true.<\/p>\n

Researchers at Jaunty explain attraction as a pyramid, in which different elements are weighted differently. At the base you have health and status. The next layer is emotional. At the tip is logic.<\/p>\n

At the base you have health and status. The next layer is emotional. At the tip is logic<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Here\u2019s how it works. When you meet someone in person (or on Tinder), the first things you are aware of are the health and status factors. Health is everything from decent personal hygiene through to good skin or a buff body \u2013 the obvious things that we usually associate with whether we find someone hot or hot.<\/p>\n

Status<\/h3>\n

Status is far more complex and affected by personal and cultural values. There are external indicators, of course, like wealth, power, a great job, etc., but it also covers things like confidence, the ability to make others laugh or to command an audience, skill sets and belief systems. And, of course, it relates to the context you\u2019re in right now. That means that status-based attraction could include from fancying your super-smart university lecturer to being impressed by someone\u2019s ability to fix a shelf, nail a pub quiz question or even competitively down a pint.<\/p>\n

Both of these things are kind of frivolous or fickle. Someone who commands status in one context might easily pass under the radar in another. And obviously, someone who has a great body now might not look so hot in 15 years\u2019 time. As indicators of a successful, long-term relationship, health and status are shaky at best. Yet research shows again and again that they are fundamental to attraction.<\/p>\n

Emotional connection<\/h3>\n

Okay, let\u2019s move on to the next layer, emotional connection.<\/p>\n

There are four types of emotional connection: feeling that you trust someone, having the emotional intelligence to put someone at ease and make them feel comfortable, recognising a person\u2019s uniqueness and spark, and a sense of uncertainty or mystery that intrigues you about this person.<\/p>\n

Finally, at the top of the pyramid, you have logic.<\/p>\n

This is there most of the really important questions lie. Is this person really \u201cright\u201d for you? Do they have the personal traits you need to feel happy and supported? Are they nuts in ways that you can cope with?<\/p>\n

Whatever flaws this person has now are highly unlikely to change. Is this something you can live with forever? Do you want the same things? Do you share or respect each others\u2019 beliefs and values?<\/p>\n

This is all very interesting, you might be thinking, but how does it affect who we fall for?<\/p>\n

Most of the time, when we meet someone in a social setting (or swipe right on a dating app), we allow ourselves to start at the base of the pyramid and work up.<\/p>\n

If we\u2019re attracted to someone based on health and status, we might start talking to them and search around for an emotional connection. If we have an emotional connection we go on a few dates to try and establish, logically, whether we have enough in common for this relationship to work.<\/p>\n

The trouble is, by the time you get to the logic stage, you\u2019re already kind of invested in this person. You fancy them for the most flimsy reasons of all \u2013 health and status \u2013 and then you\u2019re looking for ways to make the rest fall into place.<\/p>\n

Flip<\/h3>\n

What you need to do is to flip this on its head. To:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Narrow your pool based on whether there is a logical basis for a relationship
    \nFind out if you have an emotional connection<\/li>\n
  2. Then, when everything else seems to fall into place, decide whether or not you\u2019re also attracted to this person on the more superficial grounds we usually begin with.<\/li>\n
  3. Okay, it\u2019s not always the easiest task to figure out in a first conversation or limited dating profile whether someone is perfect for you. But if you\u2019re looking out for the right signals, you can get a pretty good picture, pretty fast.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    For example, do you have similar interests? Are your jobs or life goals compatible? Do you have a broadly similar outlook on life? Find ways to sound out some of the bigger questions faster and you\u2019ll save yourself serious heartache later.<\/p>\n

    And more generally, is this person conscientious? Do they keep to the plans and obligations they make? Can they exercise self-control? Because if they don\u2019t do these things, they will probably cheat on you, use you, or do things to hurt you, no matter how much they love you.<\/p>\n

    Conclusion<\/h3>\n

    Let\u2019s jump back to Anna for a moment. Anna used to be attracted to men who were good-looking, super-confident, a bit wild and always the life and soul of the party. In other words, it was all about health and status.<\/p>\n

    When she decided to take her dating choices more seriously, she relied on external indicators like job titles, a university background, signs they were making money \u2013 things that sound like they belong at the top of the pyramid, but are actually just external status markers.<\/p>\n

    Many of us do this. We want to make sure we don\u2019t repeat our mistakes, so we go for someone who superficially seems very different. Last boyfriend was a bit of a waster who always needed to borrow money? This time I\u2019m going out with a lawyer who can presumably afford to pay his way. Previous girlfriend an incredibly self-absorbed model? Next time I\u2019ll pick someone less obviously glossy and presume that means they\u2019re more down-to-earth.<\/p>\n

    What we\u2019re doing here is using status markers as stand-ins for real issues.<\/p>\n

    You can\u2019t just ask what job someone does and then try to figure out if this makes them more manipulative, more generous, more sensible, more whatever. You have to delve a little deeper. You have to ask plenty of questions. You have to pay attention to how this person actually thinks and treats you (and other people) as a predictor of future behaviour.<\/p>\n

    In other words, you have to retrain your instincts to pick up on the things that can genuinely hurt you or make you happy. The things that will get you out of your rut and into a relationship you want.<\/p>\n

    This is the first in a two-part series on getting out of the singledom trap. Click here for Part 2<\/strong><\/a><\/h4>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Part One \u2013 You Don\u2019t Know What\u2019s Good For You We all have that amazing friend who\u2019s perpetually single, and we just can\u2019t work out why. You know the type: she\u2019s smart, brilliant, beautiful and tons of fun. She dips her toes in the dating pool \u2013 perhaps she\u2019s even the type who always seems […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1030],"tags":[21,20,22,23],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=293"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19151,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293\/revisions\/19151"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=293"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=293"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=293"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}