{"id":862,"date":"2016-09-04T03:11:37","date_gmt":"2016-09-04T02:11:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nakedrecoveryonline.com\/?p=250"},"modified":"2021-12-22T17:15:35","modified_gmt":"2021-12-22T22:15:35","slug":"3-ways-youre-dooming-relationship-begins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/blog\/3-ways-youre-dooming-relationship-begins\/","title":{"rendered":"3 ways you\u2019re dooming your relationship before it’s began"},"content":{"rendered":"

Have you been single since what seems like forever \u2013 and miserable about it? If so, you may be falling into one of these common self-defeating traps.<\/h2>\n

1) You raise the wrong bars way too high.<\/h3>\n

I\u2019m not suggesting you settle for something or someone that just isn\u2019t right for you. I\u2019ve talked before at length about why it\u2019s so important to know what you need in another person.
\n\u2026 But read that carefully: not, what you want.
\nWhat you need.<\/p>\n

Because this is where things get muddled.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Remember the Attraction Pyramid I mentioned a few posts back? How in most situations we automatically approach attraction the wrong way around, by starting with health and status markers (how they look and signs they are dominant in a particular context), then whether we have an emotional connection, and then exploring the more logical basis for a relationship, i.e. whether we are really compatible for the reasons that genuinely matter?<\/p>\n

Well, this is part of the same problem.<\/h4>\n

Sometimes, this is straightforwardly shallow. Obviously, if your priority near physical perfection or a certain size of bank balance, rather than someone with whom you connect and share values, you\u2019re unlikely to have a meaningful relationship any time soon.
\nBut usually, it\u2019s more insidious than this. The way we draw up lists of things we\u2019re looking for in a partner tend to be woefully superficial because our needs are incredibly complex \u2013\u00a0too difficult for us to put into simple terms.<\/a>\u00a0Instead, we end up using stand-in symbols that are far from perfect because we assume they mean the same thing.
\nFor example, you might decide that you want to be with someone who works in a similar profession as you, so that they \u2018get\u2019 what you do.
\nBut the underlying need could be that you have someone to whom you can unpack your day \u2013 who makes you feel safe and supported and able to express your worries.
\nEqually, it could be that you need someone who motivates you \u2013 someone to bounce ideas off, who is really interested in what you do, fuels your excitement and is more likely to suggest a solution to a problem than complain that it\u2019s keeping you at work until 10pm.
\nOr it could be that you simply assume your shared experience will equal shared outlook, interests or passions.
\nSimply going out with someone who is also a teacher or a doctor or an actor or who runs their own business or whatever it you have on your list might mean that they understand where you\u2019re coming from and can give you what you need. But that\u2019s no guarantee.
\nMuch better to look out for signs that they are that kind of person, rather than just presume it goes with the territory of a certain career.<\/p>\n

The same goes for those little imperfections that crop up in the early stages.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

People say things that are a bit awkward or embarrassing sometimes, especially when they\u2019re nervous. A mildly annoying habit or trait, an anecdote that doesn\u2019t quite come off, a slight personality flaw that means they\u2019re not, in fact, perfect \u2013 for the most part, these are just signs that you\u2019re not out for a drink with a robot. They\u2019re not reasons to throw in the towel.
\nAnd obviously, anyone you have a relationship with will inevitably have different opinions on everything from books, film and music, to politics and philosophy, to the latest iPhone model. You don\u2019t have to agree on everything, all the time.<\/p>\n

\u2026 Instead, you need to have clear in your head what it is that you do absolutely need to agree on.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

If a sense of adventure and exploring new places is what makes you tick, a relationship with a total homebody who prefers routine and certainty is unlikely to work. Alternatively, if you know that the most important thing for you is stability and closeness to your family, there\u2019s little point kindling things with someone who clearly finds that stifling, no matter whether they tick all the boxes when it comes to having a safe, well-paid job and a mortgage.
\nIt\u2019s not about lowering or raising your standards. It\u2019s about figuring about which \u201cstandards\u201d are absolute essentials for long term happiness and which are simply the icing on the cake.<\/p>\n

2) You go on dates with people you don’t like and are upset when they reject you.<\/h3>\n

This is probably the most common type of self-destructive behaviour that long-term singletons slip into, and it usually makes them feel like they\u2019re at their very lowest point.
\nIt sounds like the other end of the spectrum to demanding perfection, but the two often go hand-in-hand. Why? Because once you\u2019ve decided that your perfect person doesn\u2019t exist, the next stage is often to say, f*** it, clearly beggars can\u2019t be choosers \u2013 I\u2019ll give anyone a chance.
\nThen, when it doesn\u2019t work out,\u00a0you\u2019re so horrified by the you\u2019ve been rejected by someone you didn\u2019t care about anyway<\/a>\u00a0that this pushes you into another whole layer of depression. Even your \u201clast resorts\u201d don\u2019t want you! Are you really that undesirable?<\/p>\n

This is incredibly unhealthy for so many reasons.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Firstly, this is no way to view other people, male or female.
\nIt\u2019s sad that language we hear day in, day out (\u201cYou can do better\u201d \u201cS\/he\u2019s punching above his weight\u201d and so on)\u00a0reinforces this idea that there\u2019s some magical scale out there somewhere that everybody\u2019s positioned on<\/a>. As if the\u00a0goal is to land someone further up on the scale<\/a>\u00a0and dating someone further down it means they should be somehow grateful.
\nWhat an ugly way to see the world.
\nAnd, just as importantly,\u00a0what a load of nonsense<\/a>.\u00a0Yes, you need to know what it is that you need in a person. What you are attracted to. What the deal breakers are for you, personally.<\/p>\n

But this isn\u2019t a universal scale.<\/h4>\n

It\u2019s a list of things that matter to you.
\nAnd that other person you\u2019re meeting with? They don\u2019t simply exist to bolster your ego. They can probably tell that you\u2019re underwhelmed and are understandably put off by that.
\nMeanwhile, they have their own list. A list that might look startlingly different to yours.
\nThis means that, where you might naturally assume that you are the more desirable person in the equation because you\u2019re more conventionally attractive, have a better job, are smarter or wittier \u2013 whatever \u2013 these might not be the criteria they are really concerned about right now. They might be looking for things that are totally different.
\nAll you\u2019re doing when you go out with someone you\u2019re already unenthusiastic about is put two people through the misery of being judged on rules they can\u2019t meet, don\u2019t care about or don\u2019t understand.
\nAnd you wonder why this leaves you feeling crap about yourself?<\/p>\n

3) You\u2019re trying to turn a perfectly fine fling into a disastrous long term thing.<\/h3>\n

This is not about slut-shaming or telling you at what point in your relationship you should sleep with someone. You\u2019re a grown up and can make these decisions for yourself!
\nI\u2019m also not talking about one-night stands that are fun in the moment, but that you never expect (or try) to take anywhere.
\nI\u2019m talking specifically about a dalliance that\u2019s so obviously founded on physical attraction, will only ever be about that, and should really have run its course.
\n\u2026 But now that it\u2019s started, you feel like you need to keep it going.
\nThe trouble is, even if you\u00a0think<\/strong>\u00a0you\u2019re cool with just keeping things casual for now and seeing where things end up, that\u2019s rarely what happens.<\/p>\n

Let me explain.<\/h4>\n

I have so many friends who are jaded about dating, because they say their new flings fizzle so fast.
\nMostly these are women who say that, even if they aren\u2019t sure yet if they\u2019re looking for something serious, the guys they\u2019ve been hooking up with go quiet all of a sudden for reasons they don\u2019t understand.
\nOne friend told me recently that she was left feeling pretty crappy about herself and annoyed with one man she\u2019d seen a few times.
\nShe\u2019d made it clear that she wanted to keep things casual for now and, at first, he seemed okay with this \u2013 but then he bailed.
\nMy friend couldn\u2019t understand why a straight, warm-blooded man would behave like this. After all, isn\u2019t that what all men want? Was she that unattractive that even a \u201cfun fling\u201d was turning her down?<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how I see it.<\/h4>\n

We live in a culture that\u00a0constantly tells women that men are always after sex<\/a>. That, if this on the cards, they\u2019ll never say no. And if they can get it without emotional investment or commitment, so much the better.
\n(This works in both directions, by the way. Men grow up hearing that women ultimately want a relationship out of them, and that\u00a0sex is, on some level, a tool used to \u201cland\u201d one. Many men are thrown when a woman they\u2019ve been sleeping with says no, they don\u2019t want to take it any further after all!)<\/p>\n

But is that actually the case?<\/h4>\n

Okay, the desire to get laid drives a lot of people\u2019s impulsive decisions, whether they\u2019re male or female.
\nAnd while many relationships are passionate from the outset \u2013 which can be amazing \u2013 passion isn\u2019t the same as just wanting to get someone naked. It\u2019s being excited their company, about having a spark, about finding unexpected things you have in common (or don\u2019t) and how that heightens your attraction to them.
\nIf you\u2019re going to spend any amount of time in each other\u2019s company, you need to know that you have more to talk about than what\u2019s below the waist.
\nIf you don\u2019t have the other elements in place, no matter how much fun the sex is, you\u2019ll both get bored pretty damn fast, or, worse, you start projecting more meaning onto the situation than it deserves.
\nThe longer this drags on, the more you retro-rationalise your conquest by telling yourself (and your friends) that maybe you do like this person. That they make you laugh. That they\u2019re quite sweet really. That hey, maybe it could turn into something longer term.<\/p>\n

Even when you know in your heart that you\u2019re clutching at straws.<\/h4>\n

Even when you know that, if you were being rational right now, you would never have gone for someone like this.
\nEven when you know that they only reason you\u2019re getting attached is that they\u2019re here now and hey, it\u2019s a hassle to get to know someone knew or you feel bad about upping your \u201cnumber\u201d.
\nRight?
\nNo one likes to be rejected, whether it\u2019s on an emotional or just a sexual level. Whether they wanted a relationship with this person or not. It\u2019s a blow to our confidence.<\/p>\n

And if you know you\u2019re going to get hurt, it\u2019s just not worth putting yourself through this for something that\u2019s meaningless in the long run.<\/h4>\n

Because the problem with trying to shoehorn something all about sex into something more substantial is that makes you emotionally vulnerable without any of the upsides.
\nTo go back to the attraction pyramid for a moment<\/a>: you\u2019re taking a fling based on the flimsiest part of the pyramid \u2013 health and status \u2013 and allowing its failure to hurt you, when the only relationships you should be investing that kind of energy in are those that have firm foundations.<\/p>\n

Relationships that have a logical basis in the things that matter to you \u2013 and that you need to feel happy, supported and safe.<\/strong><\/h4>\n

This isn\u2019t about moralising. This isn\u2019t about making you feel bad.
\nIt\u2019s about taking a good look at the kinds of relationships you have in your life and asking yourself why you\u2019re trying to keep them alive. Whether it would make you happy for them to succeed. And if not, whether it\u2019s worth the potential pain of having them fall flat.
\nThen, using these questions to figure out what kind of relationship or person would be worth the potential heartache \u2013 and making sure you don\u2019t get sucked in by ones that aren\u2019t.<\/p>\n

If you enjoyed this post, I\u2019d be very grateful if you\u2019d help it spread by emailing it to a friend, or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook.<\/p>\n

With you in service
\n\"\"<\/a>\"\"Book a Clarity Call<\/a> for any divorce or break up support you need,<\/p>\n

check out our resources<\/a> or our Videos on Youtube<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you been single since what seems like forever \u2013 and miserable about it? If so, you may be falling into one of these common self-defeating traps. 1) You raise the wrong bars way too high. I\u2019m not suggesting you settle for something or someone that just isn\u2019t right for you. I\u2019ve talked before at […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14784,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1030],"tags":[19,20],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/862"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=862"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/862\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17528,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/862\/revisions\/17528"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14784"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=862"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=862"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedrecovery.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=862"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}