Why Do We Chase Emotionally Unavailable People? The Attachment Trap Explained
Do you constantly find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, despite promising yourself you’ll do better next time? You’re not alone. Many people fall into the pattern of chasing love from those who can’t (or won’t) give it, and the roots of this behaviour run deep. At Naked Recovery, we call this pattern the attachment trap, and healing starts with understanding it.
The Allure of the Emotionally Unavailable Partner
There’s something intoxicating about the emotionally unavailable partner. They often appear confident, mysterious, even exciting. But beneath the surface of this attraction lies a hidden truth: many of us are chasing love to resolve unresolved attachment trauma from our past.
This trauma usually stems from childhood experiences where love was conditional or inconsistent. As adults, we unconsciously seek out similar emotional dynamics, hoping to finally “win” the love we didn’t get growing up. It’s a powerful but painful cycle — one that leaves us anxious, rejected, and questioning our worth.
Understanding Attachment Trauma
Attachment trauma refers to the wounds we carry from our earliest relationships; typically with caregivers. If you were neglected, dismissed, or made to feel that your emotions didn’t matter, you likely developed an insecure attachment style. This can manifest in adulthood as a fear of abandonment, over-functioning in relationships, or chasing people who are emotionally unavailable.
These early imprints are stored in the nervous system and subconscious mind, forming invisible blueprints for how we love and connect. We’re not choosing unhealthy relationships on purpose, we’re simply repeating familiar patterns.
Why We Keep Chasing Love
When we chase emotionally unavailable people, we’re not just seeking love from them, we’re trying to heal childhood wounds. There’s a part of us that believes, If I can just get this person to love me, then I’ll finally feel enough. But this mindset is a trap. It keeps us hooked in painful relationship patterns, sacrificing our self-worth for fleeting moments of connection.
We may confuse anxiety and intensity with chemistry, mistaking emotional highs and lows for real intimacy. This rollercoaster becomes addictive and the more unavailable the person is, the more intensely we pursue them.
The Attachment Trap in Action
Let’s take a common example. Jane, a successful woman in her 30s, constantly finds herself attracted to men who are emotionally distant. They ghost her, avoid commitment, or give mixed signals. Despite red flags, Jane holds on, believing she can make them love her.
Why? Because Jane’s father was emotionally distant; present physically but absent emotionally. Her inner child is still chasing that unavailable figure, trying to rewrite the story. The man in front of her isn’t just a boyfriend; he’s a stand-in for a lost emotional connection she never got as a child.
Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Breaking this cycle requires deep self-awareness and healing. It’s not enough to know what’s wrong, we need to re-pattern how we connect. Here are a few steps to start:
Recognize your triggers: Notice when you’re drawn to someone emotionally unavailable. What feelings come up; fear, excitement, anxiety?
Connect with your inner child: That part of you still hoping for love needs compassion and attention. Reparenting is a powerful tool to meet those unmet needs.
Identify your relationship patterns: Keep a journal of past relationships. What traits do your partners share? What roles do you often play?
Seek safe connection: Begin to cultivate relationships that feel safe, secure, and consistent, even if they feel “boring” at first (more on this in an upcoming blog!).
Work with trauma-informed support: Healing attachment trauma requires more than talk therapy. Programs like those at Naked Recovery offer deep, trauma-informed coaching to help you rewire these patterns from the root.
Healing From Childhood Wounds
Ultimately, the reason we chase emotionally unavailable partners is because we’re still trying to earn love that should have been freely given in childhood. The good news? You’re not broken — you’re patterned. And with the right tools, you can unlearn these dynamics and build relationships based on real intimacy, not anxiety.
At Naked Recovery, we believe that full healing is possible. Our trauma-informed programs combine neuroscience, coaching, and somatic healing to help you overcome past wounds and create the love life you deserve.
