As of 2023, same-sex marriages are legal and can be performed in 34 countries across the globe. While that may still seem relatively few, it’s a huge increase in what was on offer at the turn of the 21st Century.
The increase in countries and states allowing for the right to marry in the LGBTQ+ community has obviously affected the number of couples in this community getting married, with more marriages taking place than ever before.
However, where there is marriage, there is going to be divorce, and while straight couples have had since the 1900s to get used to the idea of divorce, it’s still relatively new within the LGBTQ+ community. In fact, getting divorced as a same-sex couple comes with its own unique challenges that many heteronormative couples don’t have to face.
Let’s take a look at why an LGBTQ+ divorce is different from a heteronormative divorce and the unique hurdles that couples in this community must face when trying to end their marriage.
To put a very complicated topic simply: Divorce laws were created to end a marriage between a man and a woman. They apply to the traditional roles that were typically filled by the two different sexes, and they don’t cover the realities or legalities that are experienced by many same-sex couples across the world.
Here are just some of the legal nuances that really cause problems for the community:
There’s no doubt that marriage equality laws have evolved and improved over the decades, but how they have changed has also created a host of problems for same-sex couples looking to divorce.
The USA is a prime example of how same-sex couples could have many undissolved unions that complicate their divorce proceedings. Before the 2015 ruling making same-sex marriage legal across the country, many same-sex couples had to settle for civil unions or domestic partnerships where allowed, either in their state or in another state.
These couples then entered into a formal marriage when it finally became legal. While finally being able to get legally married was a huge cause for celebration, it did complicate divorce proceedings considerably today if there were undissolved unions previously.
This causes issues in a couple of ways. Firstly any further relationships may not be recognized if a previous union has not been dissolved. It also complicated the division of assets and other legal pathways since there are no hard and fast rules over whether previous unions should be taken into account. Dissolves a marriage doesn’t take these previous unions into account, and couples need to ensure that they are included to avoid problems down the line.
In almost every heteronormative divorce, a judge will take a couple’s marital property, assets, and debt into account. This is stuff that’s been accrued during their marriage. However, the problem for same-sex couples comes in if they have been living together, sharing finances, assets, and more for decades, simply because they haven’t been legally allowed to get married.
Setting the date of marriage for the separation of assets and property can create an unfair settlement, given that some same-sex couples could have been together for 15 years yet only married in 2015.
Almost all of these cases are at the discretion of the judge who presides over the case and the state specifications. This means that there’s no hard and fast rule about taking previous pre-marital circumstances into consideration.
Divorce is hugely emotional in any setting, but it becomes even more challenging when children are involved. This applies to straight and same-sex couples. However, this is further complicated in the case of same-sex couples where only one person is a biological parent to the child.
This could be a lesbian mother that has gone through IVF or a gay relationship where one parent donated sperm or lesbian couples in which one woman was artificially inseminated with embryos from her partner and a sperm donor.
Non-biological parents have rarely been protected in court regarding custody, with the decision to hand custody to biological parents the most common one. Even if it hasn’t been in the best interest of the child, hopefully, we will see similar changes here, as we have seen in the case of fathers and custody in straight divorces.
No one is saying that heteronormative divorces aren’t traumatic, but there are particular things that give same-sex divorce some additionally complicated emotional layers. Here is the difference when it comes to the emotions of a same-sex divorce:
The push for same-sex marriage was such a big fight within the LGBTQ+ community and it was a landmark victory when the USA and other countries finally passed laws for marriage equality.
However, this is a double edge sword within the community because of this. Many same-sex divorcees say that they have felt judgement from within the community. An “Oh, we’re getting divorced now, too” kind of judgement. While many also get the feeling that they are letting the side down, they feel like they are judged because they fought so hard for something that they are now giving up.
Judgement from outside the LGBTQ+ community is nothing new, but it undoubtedly adds salt to the divorce wound. Those that were opposed to same-sex marriage in the first place take particular glee in a divorce and will often use it to fuel their agenda.
There will always be those people that didn’t support the same-sex union in the first place. Getting a divorce is particularly hard for those whose family or friends did not accept that they were gay in the first place.
This can happen in a couple of different levels of unsupportiveness, from the friend who just pretends the marriage didn’t happen and expects you to get on with it to a mother who says things like “Well, you should never have married another woman in the first place. Let’s forget it ever happened,” and immediately tried to set you up on dates with men.
Being someone within the LGBTQ+ community that is going through a divorce can be very lonely.
There has been an increase in professionals specializing in couples counseling, divorce coaching, and more. While this is excellent, there is still not nearly enough professionals within the space that understand and have been trained in the unique traumas that same-sex couples go through during a divorce.
Same-sex couples are less likely to reach out to professionals, as they could be worried that they might not be seen due to religious reasons, that many professionals lack training and experience in their particular problems, and more. All of this means that many LGBTQ+ people are missing out on the essential professional assistance that will get them through the divorce process.
At Naked Recovery and Naked Divorce, we believe that the divorce journey shouldn’t be different based on your gender or sexual orientation. We are here with the tools that you need to get through your divorce journey and out to the other side, recover from any trauma experienced, and on your way to a bright and happy future.
Book your complimentary Clarity Call and discuss your situation with a trained professional today.