Is a Difference in Communication Styles Ruining Your Relationship?

Over the years, I’ve witnessed countless relationships transform based on the communication styles of those involved. Human relationships are an intricate dance and communication is the rhythm that ensure we stay in sync.

The two most prominent communication styles are inferential and literal communication. Things can become complicated when two partners have different communication styles, as in the case of couple Gary and Stephen.

Gary and Stephen came to me relatively early in their relationship. Despite the love that they had for each other, they found that there was constant miscommunication, frustration, and conflict and they couldn’t get to the root cause of it.

In our Spark Marriage program, one of the first things we test for is communication style and we quickly established the problem: Gary is an inferential communicator and Stephen is a literal communicator.

Let’s take a look at what these two communication styles are and how they had an impact on this specific couple.

Inferential vs. Literal Communicators

Inferential Communicators rely on subtlety and indirectness. They expect their listeners to read between the lines and pick up on unspoken cues. This style often involves implications, suggestions, and a significant degree of contextual understanding. Inferential communicators may assume their message is clear because they rely heavily on shared knowledge and experience. They expect listeners to deduce the intended message without explicitly giving it to them.

Literal Communicators, on the other hand, are direct and explicit. They say exactly what they mean and expect others to take their words at face value. There is little room for ambiguity, as they prioritize clarity and precision in their speech. There’s no hidden meanings and they do not rely on non-verbal cues.

Impact of Communication Styles on Relationships: Gary and Stephen

Gary and Stephen’s relationship offers an excellent example of how two opposing communication styles can create friction and misunderstanding in two people who are unaware of them.

Gary: The Inferential Communicator

When the couple started work in the Marriage Spark program, it was immediately obvious that Gary is an inferential communicator. He speaks with a level of subtlety and expects Stephen to pick up on the underlying meanings and context. He thinks that Stephen should be able to pick up on his subtle cues and nuanced statements because of their loving relationship.

Gary explained to me that when he wanted something from Stephen he would imply rather than explicitly ask, so for instance, if he wanted Stephen to contribute more to the rent, he’d say something like, “Wow, rent is taking up a lot of my salary this month.” To Gary, this is a clear invitation for Stephen to contribute more to the rent.

Stephen: The Literal Communicator

For Stephen, this does not mean anything. It is not a request for action and because he values direct communication, he thinks that Gary is merely making an observation. So, he doesn’t offer to pay more towards the rent.

This type of mismatch in communication styles led to several issues in their relationship:

• Unmet Expectations: Gary gets frustrated. He believes he has requested something from Stephen that is simply being ignored. However, Stephen doesn’t even know that there’s been a request. So he is hurt and confused by Gary’s apparent frustration and passive aggressiveness towards him.

 

• Build up of resentment and Misunderstanding: Gary’s frustration snowballs into resentment over time. He thinks Stephen is being inconsiderate, while Stephen feels like he’s been unfairly blamed for misunderstanding something that wasn’t clear.

 

• Escalating Conflicts: What were once small misunderstanings over things like housework or rent start to gather momentum and become a much bigger conflict. Gary feels ignored and underappreciated, while Stephen feels unfairly critisized and attacked. Serious arguments start to spring up from a cause that neither are aware of.

How We Began Bridging the Communication Gap

As with all our programs, we put a solid plan in place to help Gary and Stephen mend their relationship. In order to help with their communication, we worked on the following strategies:

• Awareness and Understanding: The first step was helping both Gary and Stephen recognize and understand their own and each other’s communication styles. Acknowledging the differences in the two is crucial in preventing misinterpretations going forward.

 

• Explicit Communication: Encouraging Gary to be more explicit in his requests so that Stephen understand his needs better. Instead of hinting at something, Gary had to learn to explicitly request what he wanted from Stephen.

 

• Active Listening: We needed to help Stephen learn and practice active listening. This involves paying closer attention to Gary’s words and asking clarifying questions if he hasn’t understood the underlying message.

 

• Mutual Respect, Patience and Compromise: Both men had to work on developing patience and respect for each other’s communication styles. They had to practice and learn to appreciate the efforts each made to adapt and meet in the middle.

Learn Healthy Communication and Conflict Resolution with Naked Marriage

Gary and Stephen sought help at the right time, as the differing communication styles were beginning to become truly detrimental to their relationship. They needed to foster awareness and we gave them the tools and techniques to respect and adapt to each other’s communication styles.

At Naked Marriage, we specialise in getting your relationship back on the right track with tailored programs that are designed to every couple’s individual needs. If you need help in nurturing and sustaining a healthy relationship with your partner, then simply get in touch and we’ll be able to assist you.