If your partner has come out to you as trans, and you’ve done enough thinking, exploring, and discovering to decide that you are going to stay in the relationship, then it can be difficult to understand how you can support them through their transition.
It’s going to be a time of conflict, with a whole heap of turmoil and happiness within the relationship and for your partner. There’s absolutely no doubt that choosing to transition from the gender identity you were prescribed at birth to the one that feels authentically like yourself can strain even the strongest relationships.
However, the way you react to your partner’s transition can go a long way in helping them along their journey. Like any relationship going through changes, supporting someone who is transitioning is going to come with new discoveries, personal growth, and discomfort.
If you’ve decided to stay the course with your transitioning partner, then there’s plenty that you can do to lovingly support them on this life-affirming journey. These are some of the initial steps that you should take.
Working on Yourself
Before we even get started on supporting your partner, you have to have your own support system in place. Despite the fact that it’s your partner that is changing, it’s something that is going to have a big impact on you and your life.
You know your partner and who they are in their heart, but when they change outside, it means that the world will view them differently. This means that you, as their partner, will also be viewed differently. You need to be comfortable with questions and ready to tackle some backlash.
You also need to understand that your sexual orientation could be viewed differently by the outside world. For example, if you are married to a male who is transitioning into a female, then the outside world could consider you to be in a same-sex relationship once your partner has transitioned.
Having a therapist throughout your life is a great idea, but if you haven’t, having someone to talk to and help you become more sure of yourself will put you in the best place to support your vulnerable partner.
Educate Yourself
It’s important to educate yourself about the transgender community. The words used to describe themselves, how they feel, their gender expression, and much more can vary according to someone’s gender identity. Here is a great article by Human Rights Campaign to get you started.
Educating yourself also shows your partner that you care about what they are going through and will give you the knowledge you need on everything from barriers to healthcare and harassment to vocabulary and how to be a good ally. Your partner will appreciate the information that you have gained.
Ask About Pronouns
There are going to be a lot of changes to get used to during this process; one of the first ones to get to should be how your partner wants to express their gender identity while they are transitioning. Remember this could change throughout the journey, as they might not be ready for a he/she pronoun during the transition (or ever) and prefer you to use “they” instead.
This doesn’t have to be complicated, and it’s as simple as asking what your partner would prefer to be called. This is a sign of respect and support for your partner.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel What You Need To
While your partner is still going to be the same person inside that you fell in love with, it’s only natural that there will be a period of grieving. You need closure on the relationship it was before. You need to give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and be honest with your concerns with your partner. Remember to always come from a place of care and respect, and your partner should understand that this is a journey that you are also on.
Ask Them What They Need From You
A lot of relationships fail simply because we assume we know what our partner needs without actually asking what that it. In order for you to support rather than pressure your partner you should ask what it is that they need you to do to help them as they transition. This can avoid making hurtful assumptions in the first place. Do they want to go to their doctor’s appointment alone, or do they want you there? Can you help them fill out forms for a name change? Do they simply need you to listen while they vent?
Be Their Supporter and Safe Space
We live in a world that is still filled with outdated gender norms, societal expectations, and discrimination. The chances are that your partner will come across some negative experiences during their journey, whether within their family or friendship group, at work, or in a public place.
Make sure that your partner feels secure with you. Being able to come home and be safe from their external environment is hugely important during the transition process. It’s equally as important for you to encourage your partner to find a community outside of your relationship too. Encourage them to reach out to local LGBTQ+ centers that can point them in the right direction. Feeling accepted and seen and having access to healthcare information is a big thing for those that feel isolated, and being around people that understand what they are going through can be life-changing.
Talk About Sex
Sex is a tough subject when it comes to transition within a relationship, but only because couples don’t talk about it openly and honestly. Without transparency, you could risk saying or doing the wrong thing, and something that was meant to be fun and sexy could trigger body dysmorphia and serious anxiety.
The conversation doesn’t have to be all about your partner either. Instead, frame the discussion as a casual chat about your likes and dislikes within the bedroom, and this will take the spotlight off your partner and their gender identity. This way, both of you get to discuss your needs and wants in the bedroom. Try and see it as an exciting time to spice up your love life by learning new things.
Remember That Your Love Defines Your Relationship
As in any relationship, keeping your love for each other at the forefront of everything you do is essential. Your partner’s identity does not define your relationship. It’s your love for each other that does.
Get Professional Help
Remember, you don’t need to do this alone, and getting professional help is an excellent idea. Whether that comes in the form of couples counseling, individual therapy, or a program specifically designed to help you come closer together, professional help exists for you.
I am a qualified life-crises and trauma recovery coach, and I’m here to help you along your journey today.
Contact us today.
