Fights about money can be particularly vehement in a relationship, but they’re also very common. In fact, according to a recent report from Ramsey Solutions, 41% of married couples say that they will inevitably fight when it comes to discussing money.
Keeping open lines of communication is absolutely essential when it comes to finance because if you and your partner fail to communicate about money, you could be in for much bigger problems down the line. Such as guilt and lying about spending money or even slipping into financial infidelity.
Let’s take a look at what financial infidelity is, some of the signs to look out for and how to overcome it.
What is Financial Infidelity?
Of course, when we think about infidelity, we often think about emotional or physical cheating outside of the marriage. There are other types of infidelity, however, and financial infidelity is one of the most common in married couples. What exactly is it?
Financial infidelity happens when you or your partner intentionally lie about money. You deliberately choose not to tell the truth about what you are doing with your money and your spending habits, no matter how big or small.
It can sound harsh. However, what could start out as a small, innocent purchase here and there can very swiftly go downhill and soon receipts are being hidden and so on.
Financial infidelity can be very serious, especially if it goes on for a long time and involves a lot of money. However, even if it is serious, that doesn’t mean there’s no hope of getting over it. In fact, one in three people admits to hiding a purchase from their partner, while 31% have a credit card that their spouse doesn’t know about.
Keep in mind, there is a difference between financial infidelity and irresponsibility. Partners sometimes forget to inform each other of some purchases and that’s alright. As long as it isn’t outright deceit.
Signs of Financial Infidelity
There are quite a few telltale signs to look out for:
Large Unexplained Withdrawals
If you’ve got a joint bank account, it’s relatively easy to notice if there’s something suspicious going on. If you receive your account statement and notice that there’s a big purchase or withdrawal that is completely unexplained, then it’s definitely a sign that there’s financial infidelity happening. A spouse with nothing to hide would have spoken to you first about using a big lump sum of money, or they will have a reasonable explanation for it. So, if they’ve told you it was for your birthday and you get a pair of sneakers, then it’s something to question.
Hiding Receipts and Bank Statements
A spouse that is committing financial infidelity will do everything in their power to ensure you don’t know how much they are spending and what they are buying. They will ensure that their bank statements go to their own email address and do not get posted, they will hide receipts, often throwing them away, and they may even hide their purchases for some time until they feel comfortable enough to bring them out.
If you’re continually finding unexplained receipts for big purchases in drawers or in the bin, then it’s something to be concerned about.
Defensiveness and Stonewalling When It Comes to Finances
Every couple needs to have open communication about finances in order to avoid difficulties down the line. If your partner gets incredibly defensive when you ask them about something that’s come off of the joint account or innocently ask when they bought their new handbag, then it’s a sure sign that they are hiding something.
Just as indicative as defensiveness is stonewalling when you are trying to discuss finances or a purchase that they have made. This means that they completely shut down and simply refuse to talk about the matter at all.
Secretive About Where Their Money is Coming From
Suppose you know what your partner’s salary is and you know that they can’t afford the holiday to the Maldives that they just booked with their friends in April. In that case, it’s only natural to ask how they are funding the trip, even if this is in a helpful manner and not accusatory.
If they cannot tell you or refuse to tell you where they are getting the money from, then chances are that they have secret savings or credit card accounts, or they’re getting paid more than they have told you they are.
Overcoming Financial Infidelity
If you find yourself in the middle of a financial infidelity situation, then it’s good to know there are ways to overcome it and improve your relationship along the way. Here are some of the things you can do to recover from financial infidelity.
Have Open Communication About Finances
Open communication is essential in every aspect of a relationship, and this also applies to finances. Being able to talk openly about money after financial infidelity is crucial to moving forward. One of the most effective ways to do this is simply sitting down together and creating an expense summary for the prior month. This helps to start conversations and also allows you both to see where your money is being spent.
Talk About and Set Healthy Boundaries
To rebuild trust in a marriage after finding out about financial infidelity, you have to be able to set healthy boundaries around finances. This could include setting realistic spending limits for both of you or how much you should spend on particular purchases and so on. These boundaries need to be set and agreed on by both partners with regular check-ups.
Creating a Future Plan for Sharing Finances
To recover from financial infidelity, it’s important to have a structured plan in place for your finances going forward. This means deciding who pays for what, being open about all the accounts that exist and how much is in them, whose income pays for what and so on. Setting a budget is a great idea here. When you create expectations about spending in your relationship, you balance the power out by giving each person responsibility.
Schedule Check-Ins
It’s important that you make sure you have regular conversations about finances and put these into a schedule, so you don’t forget about them. These kinds of check-ins are necessary for accountability and trust to remain solid. Monthly meetings are a good starting point; you can go over budgets, accounts, where money is being spent, etc.
Get Professional Help
Infidelity in any form can damage a relationship and the self-worth of the partner on the receiving end. Finding out that your partner has been deceiving you regarding finances can leave lasting trauma that a professional must deal with.
At Naked Recovery, we have a program specifically designed to help people recover from the trauma of infidelity of all kinds, whether physical or financial. Whether you are trying to work with your partner to recover after infidelity or you have left them and are trying to get your self-confidence and self-worth back on the right track, we can help with the Naked Infidelity Trauma Recovery Program.
Contact us to find out more about the program and how we can help you overcome the trauma of infidelity.
