Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and even the most successful partnerships will deal with it regularly. Many couples believe that the presence of conflict in their relationship is negative when the truth is that it’s not the conflict itself, but how it is managed that determines whether a relationship is successful or not.
As a trauma and relationship specialist, I get a front-row seat to the unavoidable conflict that arises in a relationship. I have been able to pinpoint the moment in which a marriage becomes unsalvageable.
Luckily, I get to see many success stories in my marriage rescue services and if you’re wondering, “Can I save my marriage?” then learning how to handle conflict is one of the first areas you’ll need to tackle.
In the Naked Marriage Spark Programme, we cover conflict resolution in great depth, and in this blog, we’re going to talk about the Four Horsemen that can predict divorce and the antidotes to them.
What are the Four Horsemen?
You have probably heard of the Four Horsemen in a religious context; the New Testament uses conquest, war, hunger, and death, respectively, as a metaphor for the end of times.
The amazing researchers over at The Gottman Institute have re-envisioned these Four Horsemen communication styles and how they, according to their research, can signal the end of a relationship.
Identifying and counteracting the Four Horsemen is the first step in managing conflict in your marriage. If you don’t do this when they do arrive, then you are putting the future of your relationship at risk.
Let’s take a look at each of the Four Horsemen and what you can do to counteract them when they arise in your relationship:
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Criticism
The first of the four is criticism. This is not like offering a critique or complaining. It’s more of an attack on your partner that focuses on the core of their character.
Criticizing your partner is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.
It’s important to distinguish between a complaint and criticism:
- Complaint: “I thought we agreed that you would do the laundry this week. I had a really hard week at work and then had to come home to do a pile of dirty laundry.”
- Criticism: “You don’t think about anyone but yourself. We agreed you’d do the laundry, but you’re lazy and selfish. Guess I have to do everything around here or it won’t get done.”
Criticism in a relationship isn’t the end, but it paves the way for the rest of the more damaging horsemen. It often grows in intensity and frequency if it’s not checked and will eventually lead to contempt.
Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
As mentioned, criticism attacks someone’s character, rather than addressing a particular need or complaint. The best antidote to criticism is what’s known as a gentle start-up. This means that you complain without the blame. Avoid starting the conversation with “You”, and rather start with an “I”. This helps you to identify and explain to your partner what you need, rather than what they have done wrong.
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Contempt
Contempt is the second horseman and follows hot on the heels of unchecked criticism. While the latter targets the person’s character, when we use contempt in communication, we are excessively mean. This is when you are disrespectful, using name calling, mimicking, eye rolling, and more. This can make your partner feel worthless or despised. Moral superiority is at the core of contempt directed towards your partner.
“Can’t you see I go to the gym a couple of times a week? I work a full-time job and can look after myself. You are a stay at home mom and you still can’t make the time to lose weight? I don’t know what you do all day, other than eat.”
Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Contempt is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. It’s essential to get rid of it or avoid it all together. There are a couple of ways you can do this. Building a culture of appreciation and respect is essential for avoiding contempt.
You can achieve this through what the Gottman Institute calls “Small things often”. That is showing affection, appreciation, respect and gratitude to your partner regularly. You should also try and build up your emotional bank accountant with more positive interactions with your partner than negative ones.
“I know being a stay at home mum can be busy, but also lonely, especially when I’m out all day, but I think it’s important that we both stay healthy, it’s a great example for the kids. Should we start eating healthier together?”
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Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the third of the horsemen and it usually arrives as a response to criticism. The defensive party feels unfairly accused and personally attacked for something, so they will use excuses, over argue their points, and self-protect through righteous indignation to get their partner to back off.
Defensiveness rarely actually works that way and it actually escalates the conflict. This is because defensiveness usually uses a reverse blaming system to turn the blame back onto the accuser.
Question: “Did you remember to go and close the account at the bank today like you said you would this morning?”
Defensive Response: “You know that I had a day from hell today. In fact, I told you that I had four meetings. I don’t know why you didn’t just do it. You expect me to do everything.”
Antidote: Take Responsibility
It’s important to take responsibility for the role you’ve played in the scenario, express the acceptance of this, and understand your partner’s perspective. Instead of responding defensively as seen in the example above, an answer like the one below is more likely to de-escalate conflict:
“Oh no! I’m so sorry, I completely forgot. You know those four meetings I told you about? They completely fried my brain. I should have asked you to do it, because I knew how busy I was going to be. I’ll make sure to do it first thing tomorrow.”
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Stonewalling
The fourth horseman to join the conversation is stonewalling and he’s normally arrived as a response from a partner that is on the receiving end of contempt. This usually happens when a partner is emotionally flooded during conflict again and again. They will withdraw from an interaction, become uncommunicative, or just stop responding. Heart rate, blood pressure, stress hormones and more during an intense conflict can cause this partner’s fight of flight response to kick into place.
Stonewalling takes a long while to turn into a habit, but when it does it can be difficult to break.
Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing
To avoid stonewalling when you are emotionally overwhelmed, you need to practice physiological self-soothing and this starts with forcing a break in the conflict.
“My love, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”
It’s important to take a break of at least 20 minutes where you soothe yourself by reading a book, listening to music or exercising, etc. It’s essential that you don’t spiral into a negative, defensive mindset during this time, as this could make the conflict worse when you get back to the conversation.
Get More Details with the Spark Programme
Of course, we’ve just touched the surface here when it comes to the Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen and how they predict the end of a relationship. In the Spark Program, I go through these in far more detail, as well as many other topics to create a healthy, successful marriage.
The Spark Programme is a three-month intensive “relationship school”, where I will teach you about the components of a successful marriage and hot to apply it to yours. We’ll cover topics such as,
- Human Needs
- Relationship Fundamentals
- Setting Up the Environment & Structure for a Successful Marriage
- The Four Horsemen
- The 5 Love Languages
- Triggers, Rules & Red Lines
- The 5 R’s
- Principles of Relationship Communication
- Problem-solving, Conflict Resolution & Fighting Right
- Past Hurts, and much more.
If you’re looking to reignite the passion, compassion, communication, trust and respect in your marriage, then The Spark Programme is the perfect fit.
